I’m a week late on this PBP post. I could give you a rousing round of excuses, but it’s kind of pointless. Life happens, and I’m sure y’all don’t begrudge me the week of silence.
I’m in a fallow time currently. It’s a fallow time of my own making; the mundane world is overshadowing the spiritual and I cannot focus; cannot think. I’m in rehearsal nearly all the time; I haven’t even had the spoons to go to class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sleep evades me, and when it comes it brings nighmares.
I cannot connect with anything now. The only connection I feel is to the ancestors, and only when they claw at my back, demanding the water I offer to slake their thirst.
In such a time I cannot write devotions. I have the blogs up for the gods, but nothing is given. I even find it difficult to give in my own home. I forgot to offer to Aphrodite last week; I must remember tonight. The only god I am giving to regularly — every day — is Hestia, because She tends to break things in my kitchen when I don’t.
I know the gods haven’t left me. I’ve left Them for a while.
And I keep faith that They will be there when I am able and willing to come back to Them. Just as I keep faith that They will come back when They leave me.
Faith is what keeps me strong, what keeps my shattered chalice together. I would be broken without it. I do not believe in hope. I think hope is a false prophet. I do not hope that things will get better; I have faith that they will. And occasionally I lose faith — we all do — but I do find it again, and I never lose it completely. It doesn’t leave me feeling bereft, as hope would. It is a steady hum, like the earth beneath my feet. It does not raise me up on glorious wings, or anything so poetic. It just is. It’s part of me. When I lose faith, I lose it in things: humanity, my own broken body, that things will get better, and betimes the gods. But the undercurrent of it — the very idea of it — never leaves me. It’s a paradigm that keeps me solid and standing strong.
So I go through what motions I can, keeping faith that the fallow times will leave again, and when they do I will be back to my amazing life.