The Beautiful Lady doesn’t pull any punches when she’s teaching you a lesson

English: The flowers of Atropa belladonna
English: The flowers of Atropa belladonna (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t blog much about using entheogens in my practice, but it is something that I’ve been doing more of recently.  Specifically, flying ointments. I own three jars of different flying ointments, all made by Sarah Lawless (The Witch of Forest Grove) and sold at her store, the Poisoner’s Apothecary.

I’ve used the Witches’ Ointment and the Mandrake Ointment with no ill-effects. Last night I decided to try Porta’s Ointment, which contains belladonna, datura, and henbane (as well as mandrake).

I put on a vinyl glove before using my finger to apply a very small amount to the inside of my left arm. The only medication I’m on right now is Zoloft, and so far as my research tells me there are no adverse interactions between Zoloft and the active chemicals in belladonna, datura, henbane, or mandrake.

I sat on my bed and got out my journal and started recording my experiences as they happened. I’ll relate the ones that are legible for you below (verbatim).

  • instant sort of dry, desert lime/eucalyptus/mentol feel in back of throat
  • warm at application spot
  • taste chocolate on tongue tip
  • tingling in feet
  • tasted mint? 
  • PARANOIA
  • i can hear all my body’s processes; or see them; or just — know
  • hearbeat slowed? or more paranoia?

Sometime soon after that I fell asleep. Possibly not the smartest thing I’ve ever done, but I was exhausted and I’d fallen asleep before while under the effects of the Mandrake Ointment, with no problems. What, as they say, was the worst that could happen?

At this point in the story I’d like to make abundantly clear: none of this is Sarah Lawless’ fault. I do not point any blame nor responsibility her way, and that is not what you should take from this post. Her products are trustworthy and probably the safest flying ointments you’ll find for sale online. I did not suffer an overdose of belladonna; I simply had an adverse reaction to it. (Or the datura or henbane; I’m not actually sure what it was that caused my symptoms.) I also have adverse reactions to morphine, and they’re quite similar to what I went through last night and today. I think there may be a connection there.

I’d also like to note symptoms from earlier in the day, before I tried the ointment. Ache in left arm and neck, possibly from repetitive motion strain or sleeping on it wrong, and diarrhea, for no fucking reason.  I’ve been having that off and on for a few weeks now. No clue what’s causing it; doesn’t seem to be any one type of food.

I woke up after three hours of sleep. I felt too warm, I needed to pee, I was having trouble breathing, and my heart was beating too fast. The ache in my arm and neck had spread and become worse; instead of being a sometimes thing that twinged when I moved wrong, it was now constant; instead of being localized to the joints, it was now all up and down my arm. There was also an ache in my upper abdomen, on the same side.

I decided to get up and at least relieve my bladder. It hurt to move. I felt disoriented. My dreams had been vivid and strange, and I of course can’t remember a thing about them now. I felt dizzy, and nauseated.

After the bathroom, I decided to stagger out to the living room, where my laptop was, so I could Skype the Ogre. My paranoia was freaking out; I was convinced I was going to die and was a heartbeat away from dialing poison control or 911. I called the Ogre because my boyfriend is a Vulcan, and I knew I could count on him to give me rational, logical advice.

We talked. I told him my symptoms, clearly and detailed, he did research for me and determined that I probably wasn’t dying, but if symptoms persisted and/or got worse that I should call poison control and/or the nurse’s hotline and/or 911. I agreed to this.

Then I vomited five times and shit myself.  Luckily, I’d had the foresight to bring a bowl with me to the living room.

After getting myself cleaned up (which is so fun after that sort of event, let me tell you), I realized I felt a lot better. I still had most of the symptoms, but they had lessened.

I stayed awake, chatting on Skype with the Ogre, for several hours. I ended up sleeping for another three hours, between 10:30am and 1:30pm, and woke up with the aches and pains worse again. I’ve discovered the best way to ease the pain is to sit in my recliner and have my arm tucked up to my side and my neck slightly tilted to the left. I may have to sleep this way.

I’ve had several glasses of water — probably working on my third Brita filter jug by now — and I’ve avoided fatty foods as much as possible. I’ve pretty much been eating bread when I get hungry. The bowl remains by my side. My vision is sort of blurred, and I’m exhausted.

BellaDonna_by_kensei99
BellaDonna_by_kensei99 (Photo credit: nunorodrigues.net)

Even though this was probably one of the worst self-inflicted experiences I’ve been through, I’m grateful for it. It taught me something important about myself.

It taught me that I really do want to live. 

When I was lying in bed, having just woke up, and thinking Oh gods, this is it, I’m going to die, the thought terrified me. I thought about never being able to hug Tyee the wolf-dog, or my mom, again, and it shook me to my bones. I thought about leaving the Ogre behind, and I wanted to cry. Half the reason I got up and called him was so that if I was dying, I’d be able to talk to him one last time.

This may not be a revelatory experience for anyone else, but for me it was. After battling depression and suicidal thoughts, feelings, impulses, and attempts for just under two decades, learning that you do really want to live is…well, life-changing.

I’m not truly ready to die. I always thought I was, but I learned for sure last night — I’m not.

I offer my thanks to the spirit of belladonna, for teaching me that. 

And I retire my jar of Porta’s ointment. I’ll stick to the mandrake and thujone/mugwort ones from now on.

 

Note, pre-emptively: I really don’t want the comments on this article to fill up with “Well that was stupid!” or “Drugs are bad, mmm’kay” or anything else similar. I’m an adult, I accept the consequences of my actions, and I don’t need lectures from anyone. Thank you.

19 Comments


  1. This sounds like a powerful but frightening experience. It’s good to hear you’re doing a little better. Please keep us informed?

    Reply

    1. Will do — looks like recovery will take me the weekend, but I plan to post on Monday again.

      Reply

  2. I’ll talk to you when I catch you on one of the chats.
    *hugs*

    Reply

  3. The atropine retards secretions, so dry mouth and arid everything else. Yours was a much stronger reaction than I had with the ointment I used but some things sound familiar. Namely aches. I wrote “I felt my arteries sharpening” and attributed it to the aconite in mine, but you have me thinking the belladonna done it by your description. (I know the grammar is wrong there but it sounds better with the consonant n and “did” just falls short of one. {Added meta writing business to test your ability to handle parantheticals while recovering [don’t hit me]})

    I jest. Poorly. :D

    Hey, I hope you feel better soon and am very glad you are taking the time to chronicle it. IMO there is too much mystery still about these things and I think that experience logs can alleviate some of that. Good experiences and bad all can serve to give a potential user some ideas about possible effects. I think that’s better than going in blind. In the end everyone is going to react differently, but remembering back to college days, it was a lot more fun and a hell of a lot less scary to have a seasoned user next to me telling me I was going to be okay and that if I needed to use the bucket, no big whoop. No ointment back then, but plenty of strange other things.

    I am not amped to make a blend with datura myself. I’d have to drive an hour to get that. I may have to get some of this myself for summer.

    Damn, I am having a weird thought that when making mine without mask (and without gloves for cleaning pans and utensils – oops) I exposed myself to enough dust to feel something. But I didn’t. Either time. Just pupil dilation. I think I may have burned some of the circuitry with college. Is that even possible!? If so, that could be the worst aversion campaign ever: “Don’t do it… NOW. You’ll totally burn the board for it later.”

    This sounded ouch. If you want the loves and good vibes sent, I have ’em waiting for you.

    Reply

    1. I hope you feel better soon and am very glad you are taking the time to chronicle it. IMO there is too much mystery still about these things and I think that experience logs can alleviate some of that. Good experiences and bad all can serve to give a potential user some ideas about possible effects.

      Thanks! Yeah, I agree. I think there just isn’t enough info out there, which is partly why I chose to blog about it. Not as a “Hey kids, THIS IS UBER DANGEROUS ZOMG” sort of tale but more of a “So here’s one thing that can happen, so be careful, eh?”.

      It totally hasn’t turned me off entheogens in general, but I still think that I should be completely upfront about what I went through.

      I think I may have burned some of the circuitry with college. Is that even possible!? If so, that could be the worst aversion campaign ever: “Don’t do it… NOW. You’ll totally burn the board for it later.”

      Haha. It’s possible. I know that the intros to flying ointment and such I’ve read have said that if you’re used to tripping with more conventional drugs, the effects may be milder on you. Which may be true; I’ve done mushrooms, pot, absinthe, and ecstasy at different points, so I may have been better prepared.

      honestly I don’t think I’d want to try flying ointments without having done other drugs first. Knowing how I react to shrooms and ecstasy, f’ex, definitely made me feel better about trying flying ointments in the first place.

      This sounded ouch. If you want the loves and good vibes sent, I have ‘em waiting for you.

      It was. I always appreciate good vibes and loves! Send ’em on. :)

      Thank you.

      Reply

  4. The fact that you know for sure that you want to live, as hard as you’ve struggled, is a huge thing. Even if you weren’t still physically recovering, that’s enough to leave you reeling emotionally. It’s a shift in how you see the world.

    Reply

    1. *nods* It really is.

      And I’ve been doing some pondering about this event and the feelings it’s been bringing up for me, and I think it’s the start to deeper spiritual knowledge and practice.

      I think it was, in a way, that sort of initiatory death one must go through to be a spirit worker. No, I didn’t actually die, but whether I was in danger of doing so or not I don’t actually know — I could have been — and I definitely thought, for sure, I was going to die. I think that is more important, with regards to the initiatory death — belief that one is going to die.

      I feel like something’s been unlocked, and now I can fully experience the world the way I was meant to. Now I can finally be a fully-fledged witch, if that makes sense.

      Reply







  5. I guess llawless cares more about selling her ointment than someone’s life. It makes me angry.

    Reply

    1. What makes ME angry is that you commented after obviously not reading my post, and commented insulting my friend.

      I was very clear in my post that none of this was Sarah’s fault. She makes good ointments, and she puts health warnings on her site about them. I used the ointment with the full knowledge that I *could* have an adverse reaction to it.

      Some people have adverse reactions to things that are perfectly fine for others. In my later research I discovered that other people who have adverse reactions to morphine can have the same reactions to belladonna, and vice versa. It wasn’t something I’d thought of before trying the ointment, because the plants are so different, but that is likely what happened to me.

      So why don’t you take the axe you have to grind with Sarah, move it OFF my blog, and maybe, I don’t know, put it where the sun don’t shine?

      And while you’re at it, learn to read posts before you comment on them.
      Morag recently posted…It is hard to love you nowMy Profile

      Reply

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