Remember when I said Manannan wasn’t a thwap?
I’m thinking perhaps I was wrong.
He’s been very clear, the past month, what He wants from me this Samhain. He wants me to to do a ritual in which I accept His foster-fatherhood over me, and renounce my biological sire for good.
Mind, I did do a ritual to renounce my biological sire (and I told him to get the frack out of my life). But it’s not that simple. Twenty-six years with an abuser means that a few months later and I’m still having thoughts of “Maybe I hurt him. Maybe I should apologize. Maybe I should allow him to be my father again; he doesn’t have much time on this earth left. He’s my father; he’s the only one I have. We do get along…sometimes….”
He was very good at getting me to forgive him for everything he did to me. That sort of emotional manipulation doesn’t go away just like that.
Shouldn’t I do more severance rituals first, to cut away his cords from me, before I formally ‘adopt’ You? I asked Manannan today, after doing my first severance ritual.
You cleared away three years of good relationship and a few months of heartache with this one ritual today, He replied. Clearing away your father’s crap will take much longer. I will help you, but first you must do this ritual. For me.
I don’t understand, sometimes, why He cares so much for me. Why I am loved so much by Him. I don’t know why He wants to adopt me.
For now, the why doesn’t matter. I’m loved by the rain and that’s what matters.
Tonight I am doing a ritual to formally become Manannan’s daughter. Son. Child. And then He’s going to teach me how to be a man. He’s going to be the positive male role model I never had. And more of my wounds will be healed.
Just knowing that He’s smiling at me in a paternal way makes me cry. I never searched for ‘God the Father’ because I renounced male energy; I became a pagan because I wanted to worship a Goddess. When Thoth appeared I wondered if He were going to be a father-figure to me, but He acted more like an older brother. He guided me until Morrigan was ready to reveal Herself, and then He faded away.
Manannan showed up when I was fighting with my biological father, but I wasn’t ready to accept that He could be a father figure to me yet. I realized that was probably what it was when it happened, logically, but I wasn’t emotionally in a state where I could sever those biological connections.
Realizing I’m genderqueer eventually led to realizing how much my bio-sire was poisoning me, and how much I needed to be rid of him.
It’s been a long road, but I’m finally here. I’m finally ready to belong to Manannan’s family. I’m finally embracing the right God the Father (for me; obviously I don’t try to speak for anyone else).
Happy Samhain, everyone.